We've been back in Poipet for a week now, and it's been rough and beautiful.
In a word, I love our new son. His big blue eyes, the way he stares at the world in wonder, his little newborn sighs and squeaks - how can someone so little take up such a huge part of your heart?
But he does come with some challenges.
Really, I have nothing to complain about - except that I didn't have realistic expectations about what life was like with a newborn. Especially when Declan slept through the first week of life, allowing us to make lots of trips to the hospital, embassy, immigration office, and supermarkets with little interruption. Now that he is almost one month old, Declan is exerting his independence by staying up late crying into the night and eating like a bodybuilder on a steroid binge. #sosore
Reality is quickly sinking in - the reality that my productivity levels have dropped drastically and I won't have any predictable, consistent schedule for...not sure how long? Add to that the unpredictability of electricity and running water at times and heat indexes over 105 degrees F almost every day this week, and you have one stressed out, tired mamma.
And it doesn't help that I haven't spent consistent time with God, between feeding, cooking, cleaning, and trying to reassemble our life around this new human currently sleeping at the foot of my bed in his pack n' play. In fact, that is probably the source of my frustration, snappiness, and impatience.
For several days, every time I turned on Instagram or Twitter in an attempt to stay awake during another feeding, Isaiah 58:11 was everywhere. Coincidence? I don't think so.
God knew I needed to read this verse. To hear his promise.
I have reached the end of myself, and I desperately need God's guidance. I feel helpless when the baby is fed, clean, and still crying - I have no idea what to do. When I think about trying to manage on my own when my mom leaves and Andrew is at work all day, I feel overwhelmed. But I know I'm not the first new mom to feel this way, am I right?
I need to be reminded that God is still present in my life. He can still meet my needs and my family's needs, even when I have no idea how he will do that. He can give me the strength and energy I need. I don't need to worry about next week or next month; God is faithful to give me what I need right now, in this moment.
I want to be a well with living water flowing from it - just like Jesus described in John 4. I don't want my heart to be frustrated, impatient, or critical towards everyone else, just because I feel like I have no control over my life. But my words flow from what is in my heart, and my heart has to be re-centered on Christ every day, or I will be dry and parched, like a desert.
In reading this verse, my heart comes back to life. Even if I feel like I'm walking in the desert of my own weakness, God can make me flourish and have so much love and joy I can't help but let it overflow into the lives of others.
Anyone else feel like this at times? I'd love for you to encourage others with your own story and words!